4 Reasons Why Your Child May Not Do What You’ve Asked

By Dr. Marina Heifetz, C.Psych

Parenting is hard. In fact, it may be the hardest thing we do in our lives. It is not just the countless sleepless nights, great financial strain, and the care for our children’s physical well-being. Much of parenting work is teaching our children how to be safe, compassionate, and respectful human beings. This is the tricky part, particularly since kids have a mind of their own and there are plenty of times that they disagree with parents and go head-to-head.

So how do parents approach their children effectively without losing their own patience? A great part of this challenge is bringing curiosity into the resistance. By asking ourselves what may be challenging for our child in that moment, we can hold on to our own patience (and clarity of mind) while providing the child with empathy, validation, and a way to move forward. Here are some common things that may be behind a child’s resistance:

1)     Are our expectations developmentally appropriate? It is important to reflect on our child’s development and where they are at. It is just as important to not compare one child to another. For instance, it is easy for parents to expect the same level of maturity for their child when they have seen a peer engage in the same action. Yet, every child develops at their own pace and pausing to remember this is pivotal in knowing what requests are reasonable for our child.

2)     Have the child’s basic needs been met? Sometimes it may be as simple as “my child is hungry” or “my child is tired.” Everyone has a limit and if the child is hungry or tired (or both!), then their “normal” ways of responding and regulating may be limited. This is just as true for adults too!

3)     Has the child had a challenging day? If so, they may just need some downtime or connection, not discipline in that moment. As Thich Nhat Hanh wisely said: “the way out is in.” It is important sometimes to pause and help our child to process their emotions to move forward. During the challenging times, we can check in and say something like “It looks like you are having a hard time with this” and offer a gentle touch, a hug, or just some soothing words of comfort.

4)     Is our parental emotional state regulated? Checking in with ourselves is just as important as checking in with our child. If the parent is dysregulated, it is likely that the child has picked up on this. Sometimes parents need a time out to pause and to breathe. Noticing these moments can help both parent and child stay regulated, as well as model some important ways to regulate emotions in the moment.

While it is very normal for kids to push back and parents to be frustrated with discipline, by bringing mindful pause and curiosity into parenting, these frustrations can be greatly reduced. It is just as important to reach out for support when needed. Social supports have been consistently found to offset stress and strengthen resilience. Our family, friends, pediatrician, and mental health professionals can all be great sources of support.

This article has also been published in Psychology Today.