Four Ways to Work Through Difficult Feelings and Take Action Toward What Matters
By Dr. Marina Heifetz, C.Psych
One core idea in mindfulness practice is acceptance. It is the process of acknowledging our difficult thoughts and emotions while also learning to let them pass, just as clouds pass around us. This may be one of the most challenging ideas for my clients to understand. The idea of “holding” our thoughts and emotions like this often feels confusing and challenging. Clients may say “I shouldn’t be thinking and feeling this” or “I’m stupid for thinking like this.” But what happens if we reframe these thoughts to “Ah, here is judgment” and “I am having the thought that I am stupid?”
A recent study by Goldin and colleagues examined how practicing acceptance may impact different brain regions. They found that during the process of acceptance (i.e., acknowledging thoughts and feelings rather than pushing them away), patients with anxiety experienced a reduction in their anxiety and less reactivity in their amygdala, the emotional centre. The idea is that one can have negative thoughts and feelings without necessarily reacting to every thought and feeling that comes our way.
Acceptance is more than just letting our thoughts and emotions be. Acceptance is also learning to see what things are within our control and empowering us to take action. By learning to allow our difficult thoughts and emotions to just be, we can also ready ourselves for what action may be right for us. Here are four ways acceptance can help us toward valued action:
1) Feeling calmer and more in control: By noticing our negative thoughts and emotions with a sense of curiosity and acknowledgment, without necessarily reacting to them immediately, we also form new neural pathways in our brain that allow for more intentional responses. For instance, one can say “Hello anxiety” and then “I’m ok right now, thank you for visiting.” This way of naming and acknowledging our thoughts and emotions helps us step back and evaluate how these thoughts and emotions may be serving us.
Indeed, researchers have found that this continued intentional approach to our thoughts and feelings increases activity in the left prefrontal cortex of the brain, the part of the brain that is responsible for higher order brain functions, such as attention, decision-making, and our ability to regulate.
2) Changing own behaviours in relation to others: When we accept that a situation itself may be outside of our control, we also allow ourselves to reflect on what we can do that we do have control over, moving toward what is important to us. For instance, if one has conflict in a relationship, it is an opportunity to engage in more helpful behaviours, or to move toward starting a different, healthier relationship.
3) Self-Care: By being able to acknowledge our painful thoughts and feelings, we are showing up for ourselves. Thus, we can take steps to care for ourselves and our needs. By accepting our difficult thoughts and emotions, we also come to question “What do I need right now?” After all, our world is a busy place and it is easy to lose ourselves to everything around us and forget to check in what we may need on the inside. We can learn to set boundaries and to assert ourselves when we have the need. Anger, for instance, is not always a negative emotion. In fact, it is often the emotion that gets us to assert our needs, to stand up to injustices. It is important to listen to these big emotions, not run from them or ignore them.
4) Connecting to the body: By acknowledging what emotions we may be feeling, we can also take the step in noticing how we feel in our body. Every feeling creates a different physiological sensation. Research has increasingly shown that a key component of staying mentally healthy is our ability to sense, interpret, and integrate various body signals. If we go through our days ignoring our physical sensations, stress continues to build up in our body. Dr. Kristin Neff calls this connection to our body and self-compassion as the “Soften, Soothe, Allow” approach. Acceptance of these feelings allows one to also soften the body and self-soothe. For instance, we may give ourselves a gentle hug, or place our hand against our heart. It only takes a moment, but it is in this moment that we build connection to ourselves and increase our capacity to regulate.
When we allow ourselves to stay and say hello to our difficult thoughts and feelings, we strengthen our understanding of ourselves and it is only then that we are no longer controlled by our big emotions. Instead, we develop a compass that guides us toward what matters, not despite of the discomfort we may feel but because we allow ourselves to feel it.
This article was also published on Psychology Today:
