“I need to do more!”: Motherhood and guilt

By Dr. Marina Heifetz

This International Women’s Day, I would love to contribute to our dialogue about women and motherhood. When we think of mothers, we may immediately visualize warmth, affection, connection, and, more often than not, associated feelings of guilt. Guilt for dropping the ball on registering for that class on time. Guilt for being home late from work and not picking up your child on time. Guilt for not having enough time to prep for dinner. Or, as I notice feeling right now, guilt for procrastinating on other chores while writing this article. Because, while women have increasingly become participants in the workforce along with balancing family obligations, the conventional ideas of what being a “good mother” means (i.e., constantly devoted and having to sacrifice one’s own needs for one’s child) continue to prevail.

Adrienne Rich summarized motherhood in her Of Woman Born book as, “The guilt, the guilt, the guilt.” The unrealistic expectations and on-going juggling, the extensive mental load of things to balance (routines, groceries, meal planning, clothing, special events, registration in extracurriculars and summer camps, to name a few) – all these (and more) contribute to increased stress and guilt for not feeling like we’ve achieved it all. Oh, and don’t forget all that house cleaning, which, it may be accurate to say, is a never-ending task. When we add workforce into the mix, the anxiety is palpable. After all, these are impossible standards to meet! “I am a terrible parent,” we may say with exasperation.

Maternal guilt: why?

Recent research interviews conducted by Collins have shown maternal guilt transcending national, cultural, and political contexts. By interviewing mothers in various parts of the world, one consistently arising theme was the idea that “good mothers” need to sacrifice their own needs for their children. While different work-family policies shape which aspects of motherhood produce these guilty feelings, what is clear from this study is that feeling guilty tends to be equated to being a good mother.

Perhaps not surprisingly, then, recent research by Racine and colleagues (2021) has found mothers to have significant struggles with mental health. The COVID-19 pandemic also contributed to a great increase in maternal mental health struggles (e.g., depressive symptoms increasing from 19 to 35 percent in Canada).

So what do we do about it?

As researcher Brene Brown puts it: The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?” In other words, are we being our authentic selves and practicing what we are preaching and teaching to our children?

We start by becoming mindful of our emotions, thoughts, and actions. We can start by simply practicing following our breath for a few minutes each day. This can be followed by noticing our bodily sensations, followed by noticing our thoughts, just as clouds passing by. If we can identify our “should” thoughts as simply thoughts, we can learn to respond differently to them. We can bring forward an attitude of self-compassion and acknowledge that the day was hard and that this is ok.

A great resource on self-compassion is the book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim their Power, and Thrive. In this book, the author, Kristin Neff, shows how practicing self-compassion builds new habits and trains our brain to respond to our pain and mistakes from a place of compassion.

Name it to tame it

By acknowledging and embracing our imperfections, we become powerful parenting models for our children to see resilience play out in life, because life has many ups and downs. It’s not about doing it “just right”; it’s about showing up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, while also showing ourselves the compassion that we would want our children to show to themselves. We can’t do everything… and that is ok.

Brene Brown sums up this idea of acknowledging well: “Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.” In fact, researchers have increasingly found that when we express and identify our challenging thoughts and feelings, our thoughts begin to have less power over us.

The power of humour

Research has continuously found bringing in humour to be a powerful way to reduce mental distress. Professor Laurie Santos, from Yale University, has argued that one of the best ways to optimize our mental health is by having more fun in our lives, which she refers to as “funtervention.” Fun means being actively engaged in something. Watching television or scrolling social media is considered a passive activity. While this may have its place, true fun, according to Santos, is the ability to be present in an activity, such as being goofy with friends, making time for adventures and new experiences, and stepping out of our comfort zone to experience genuine excitement and laughter.

Realistically, making time for fun adventures is not always feasible given the busy days we may typically have. At the same time, as Santos suggests, we can infuse fun in what she calls “microdoses” throughout our days. That is, finding opportunities throughout the day to smile and engage with others, reflect on what we value, and try to take actions to get closer to these values. Children can say the funniest, most endearing things. If we attend fully and be in the present with our children’s silliness, even for a few minutes each day, we can begin to feel the power of microdoses and, in turn, feeling more balanced and lighthearted.