Psychological and Physiological Power of Validation
By Dr. Marina Heifetz, C.Psych
Imagine you come home from a long day at work and your partner proceeds to greet you and requests for you to pass him the mail by the front door, along with some water as he is feeling parched. What is your first instinct here? You most likely feel somewhat annoyed or irritated, having just come home and needing to do something that your partner is clearly capable of, as he sits back on the couch and smiles at you. You may even be tempted to snap at your partner for being inconsiderate. Now imagine the same situation but, instead, your partner greets you and asks how your day went, followed by “sounds like you’ve had quite a day!” Would your feelings change?
Validation is considered one of the key components of healthy relationships; it is the simple act of listening, which communicates to another that you understand what they may be going through. Put simply, validation is reflecting what the other may be feeling. When someone shares something with us, we respond with empathy and acceptance.
Validation can be particularly powerful in building safe and supportive relationships with children. As parents, it is often tempting to go straight into solution mode (e.g., “You could do this… or that…”), but validation is not about solutions or teaching, it is simply being curious about your child’s experience, without judgment. Validation not only helps the child feel heard and calm down, but it also contributes to developing feelings of safety in opening up to parents. Imagine that instead of jumping into solution or judgment mode, you simply start by saying, “Wow, it must have been very frustrating that our fun plans had to change.” Pause and notice how the two approaches differ.
Interestingly, researchers have found physiological responses to validation. Specifically, when individuals use validating statements (e.g., “I would feel frustrated, too”) as opposed to invalidating statements (e.g., “There’s no need to get upset”), heart rate actually slows down! In comparison, invalidating responses have been associated with significantly higher levels of negative affect and heart rate.
Parents’ invalidating responses impact youths’ emotion dysregulation (e.g., acting out) as youth become more reactive rather than calm. In contrast, when parents validate their youth, researchers have found the youth to feel more regulated and express more satisfaction in their relationships with parents.
Some practical strategies that may help parents (all of us, really) to practice validating statements (based on Theresa Wiseman’s Attributes of Empathy) include:
Perspective-taking: Try to see things from your child’s perspective. What does the experience feel like to them? Perhaps they are hungry and tired, so they may be more irritable.
Avoid judgment: Our values aside, just focus on listening to the other’s perspective.
Recognize the other’s emotions: Connect with your own feelings, how would it feel if you were in your child’s shoes? Check in and clarify with a sense of curiosity.
Communicating our understanding of the child’s emotions: Instead of the “At least…” or “Well, of course they are wrong!” Try reflecting the emotions, whether detailed (“This sounds frustrating. Tell me more about it”) or brief (“Wow, that is hard!”).
As parents (or partners, or friends, or colleagues), it is never too early to start practicing validation. In fact, by the time your child is an adolescent, you may have set up an important foundation for open, safe communication. In the end, this is essential to promoting healthy relationships and mental health.
This article was originally published in Psychology Today. Visit it here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/raising-mindful-kids/202202/psychological-and-physiological-power-validation
