Getting rid of difficult thoughts and emotions and the “Devil’s Snare”
By Dr. Marina Heifetz, C.Psych
An uncomfortable or unpleasant thought pops into our minds, what do we do? For many of us, the temptation is to push this thought away and avoid it. In psychology, this is called experiential avoidance. Trouble is, this experiential avoidance may seem helpful in the moment, but research shows that continuous avoidance of uncomfortable or upsetting thoughts can actually increase our anxiety and distress. Indeed, Dr. Russ Harris outlined in his book The Happines Trap that experiential avoidance contributes to anxiety, depression, and numerous other mental health challenges; the harder one tries to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, the “more bad feelings we create.” This is why in therapy at Mindful Kids Psychology and Wellness Centre we work on sitting with the discomfort instead - this is part of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, an evidence-based therapy that helps us bring mindful awareness, acceptance, and committed action toward what we value.
So why is struggling and pushing distressing thoughts and feelings away not helpful? The simple answer is that the difficult feelings and thoughts become intensified the more we try to push them away. For example, if we are very upset about something and we go and try and eat a bucket of ice cream, we may not really even enjoy this ice cream and, in the end, may continue to feel the intense pain without a clear way out. Or we may enjoy the ice cream and still have unresolved thoughts and feeling, with possibly an added layer of guilt over eating the bucket of ice cream. Harry Potter fans may appreciate the Devil’s Snare as a metaphor for this - the more you struggle, the more you are pulled into it and are trapped, but the moment you relax into it, you start to come out of it. Similarly, I recently watched a whole video on how to get out of quick sand (as part of my own wandering mind), clearly showing that the way out of it is to relax and slowly wiggle through and up; the more we struggle, the faster we sink!
Being mindfully aware and reflective or curious about these experiences is an important path through. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen master and global spiritual leader, poet, and peace activist, highlights some important questions that we can pose to ourselves as we process our difficult thoughts and feelings:
What is the root cause of my problems? What can I do to solve it?
In which aspect of my life should I pay more attention?
Which characteristics should I develop more in order to become more mindful, relaxed, and satisfied?
How can I make my work or home life more satisfying?
These questions can help direct our energy and strengthen our own mindful awareness of ourselves, our needs, and our values.
Bottom line: While distractions for minor challenges may work well in the moment, a different approach is needed when we experience more intense emotions. This is why we teach and practice mindfulness, acceptance, and self-compassion - these are core tools to help us manage the more difficult thoughts and feelings we may experience in life. Because, rather than fighting against these thoughts and feelings, we can open up and make peace with them.
While this process is easier said than done, learning and practicing these skills is most definitely worth the effort (in our humble clinical opinion).
To learn more about our therapy services please contact us or read more here.
Resources:
Harris, Russ (2007). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, Exisle Publishing Limited.
Nhat Hanh, Thich (2013). Moments of MindfulnessL Daily inspiration. Berkeley, California: Parallax Press.
