Unhooking from “sticky thoughts” and unhelpful actions
By Dr. Marina Heifetz, C.Psych
“I am a bad parent” “I have no idea what I’m doing” “Everyone else seems to get this, I must just be stupid” - we all have negative thoughts that “hook” us and can create a feeling of getting sucked into quick sand, slowly and gradually. When we experience these negative thoughts, our instinct may be to struggle against them. Yet, as ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) research has shown, fighting and struggling with these thoughts only make us drop into quick sand faster.
When we are struggling, we may be engaging in behaviour that takes us away from our values and gets us “hooked” in this ineffective loop.
Possible “away” (hooked) moves include:
Being aggressive or withdrawing
People pleasing
Ignoring (or procrastinating!)
Going through the day without being present and intentional (“only half-present”)
These away moves can lead us to:
Eating poorly
Poor sleep
Use of substances
Self-harming
Neglecting personal hygiene
Staying silent in meetings
Rumination
Avoiding social events and crowds
What are the benefits of these hooked behaviours? It may be that these behaviours have made us feel safe and less vulnerable. It may be that it’s easier to avoid some things that may be desirable but too scary or challenging for us. Whatever the reason is, it is important to acknowledge that we got “hooked” in these thoughts and actions for a reason and there may be some short-term benefits we may receive from them. At the same time, it is important to acknowledge - what are the costs?
How do we get unhooked from these thoughts and out of the “quick sand” then? Simply said, gradually moving through by connecting to our values, intentions, and committing to actions that are moving us toward what we value. How do we get there? There are many free and helpful resources that may be found here by Dr. Russ Harris to get you started, and therapists that have been trained in ACT would be most helpful in this journey.
Here are some ways to start to build steps that take us towards our lived values:
Exploring and reflecting on our values - this can help us be more intentional and clear about what we do want
Reflect on why we keep doing the “away” moves
“Defusing from our thoughts” - thoughts are just thoughts, they are not facts but just what our brain offers in the moment
Commit to take action toward what we value, one step at a time and with intention and self-compassion.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom”
Viktor E. Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning
So how does this look in action? Imagine:
You get home from a long day of work and you are starving. You see your cookie jar on the table and you have a few too many chocolate chip cookies without a second thought. Then later that evening, you stay up till 1am binge-watching Netflix (it’s on auto play after all!).
By bringing intention to our actions, we can make sure we are more in control and staying in line with our values. Perhaps that means that we still have some cookies and watch Netflix; but we do so with a pause and self-compassion. It also means seeing the “big picture” and not getting stuck on the “noise” that can hook us in (“I had a hard day today and would like to have a treat and some time to relax with the television - as this is part of my self-care value”). This ongoing practice can be helpful in many situations, including helping us assert ourselves when needed and talk back to our doubts and worries.
*If you would like to seek more support from the ACT modality and to find ways to take steps toward your values, please feel free to reach out here, our team specialize in supporting children, youth, and parents.
