Transitioning to High School: Caregiver Guide
By Angela Ventrice B.A. (Hons), B.Ed., Edited by Dr. Marina Heifetz, PhD, C.Psych
High school can be both exciting and anxiety provoking. Grade 9 can be a huge leap and your child may suddenly have multiple teachers, different classrooms, a larger school and much more responsibility.
Try not to interpret increased independence as “They should know how to do this.”
Instead, think:
“This is a skill they are learning.”
While it may be challenging for parents to step back to allow your teen more independence, parents can help by:
Practising the route to school
Looking at the timetable together
Finding classrooms before the first day
Establishing a simple morning routine
Creating one place for school information
Helping them identify an adult they can go to if they are struggling
Then gradually step back. The goal isn’t to do it for them.
The goal is to support them while they learn to do it themselves.
When your child is struggling, resist the urge to take over
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting! When we see our child overwhelmed, our instinct is often to jump in and fix it.
Sometimes that’s exactly what they need.
But sometimes the better question is:
“Do you want me to help you, help you figure it out, or just listen?”
That small question gives your child some control while allowing you to remain available. Often your teen may just looking to talk and feel validated.
And if they don’t know what they need? That’s okay too and you can work it out together by tuning in to them and staying connected.
Watch your language
The words we use can shape how children see themselves.
Try moving away from: “You’re so disorganized.”
Toward:
“Organization seems difficult right now. Let’s figure out a system that works for you.”
Instead of:
“You’re always procrastinating.”
Try:
“Getting started seems to be the hardest part. What could make starting easier?”
Instead of:
“You need to be more responsible.”
Try:
“Let’s figure out what support you need to manage this independently.”
The expectation hasn’t disappeared; we’ve simply removed the shame from the process.
September is a time to learn, not a test of parenting or ability.
Your child may have a great first week. At the same time, they may forget their lunch, miss an assignment, lose their gym clothes and come home completely exhausted.
That doesn’t mean the transition isn’t working, it does provide an opportunity to explore.
What’s working? What’s not working? What needs to change?
Use the first few weeks to observe and adjust.
And remember: a strategy that doesn’t work is not a failure, it’s information.
Most importantly, your teen doesn’t need to enter September perfectly prepared.
What your teen will greatly benefit from is knowing that they have someone to turn to and ask for help.
They need to know that mistakes can be repaired.
They need to know that struggling with executive functioning doesn’t mean they are lazy or incapable.
And they need to know that you believe they can learn the skills they need, even if those skills take time, practice and support.
The goal isn’t a perfectly organized child.
The goal is a young person who gradually learns:
“I know myself. I know what helps me. I know when I’m stuck. And I know how to get support.”
That’s a pretty good definition of independence.
And perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children as they transition into a new school year, or into post-secondary life, is the confidence to know:
They don’t have to do everything alone to be independent.
